[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
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Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
When someone says you are so lazy
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”