[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.