It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
You Might Also Like
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Life with a cat in one tweet
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.