Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
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It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.