You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
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good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
[first date]
him: whatâs the one word that best describes you?
me: Iâm acerbic
him: Iâve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when youâre chewing your food
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
My husband has Touretteâs Syndromeâ
every time he drives.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said thereâs nothing they can do about the size of crows.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
âI think Iâm like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.â
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. Thatâs right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers đ¶
Him: Mom whatâs a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know weâre lovers?
Stranger:đł
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
Just found out Iâve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I donât like on the command, âhuh, interestingâ.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
*Texting* âYeah sorry Iâve just got something very important to do. You go without me.â
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: âWell, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.â
O_o
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
IT: So you were hacked? Whatâs your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!