I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
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i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”