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My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
This is so me 😂😂
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
😍😂🥰😂😍
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
.. do you even science?
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.