Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
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You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Denise please return my vape pen
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
pat pat
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.