Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I’m good, thanks.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh