BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
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absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.