Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
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Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
Oh yeah that’s it
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.