Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
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7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.