Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
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I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it