Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
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[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
handsome & gretel
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
One of the best
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.