I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
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any last words?
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Good Morning.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
The sacred texts.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Guantanamo Bae
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.