I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
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HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”