Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
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Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.