Whoa… oh I see lol
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I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Guys, I found it.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
#CatsOnTwitter
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?