My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
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Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
my fav colour is also hitler
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.