ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
You Might Also Like
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Erm I’m gonna say no
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.