I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
You Might Also Like
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Forever 21… pounds overweight
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then