My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
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Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.