If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
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A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.