So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
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why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go