My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
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“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like