Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
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Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for