[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
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[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.