I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
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me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I think I’m having a stroke
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.