Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
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[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Sunday
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.