Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
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I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.