Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
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Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.