first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My neck my back my allergy attack
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
no one ever comes back