stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
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When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
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her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.