You Might Also Like
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”