Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
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I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!