I’m not stressed
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A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Lol.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
Every time.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
They must have gotten it to go.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.