Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
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All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.