“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
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To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Breaking news:
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….