Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
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I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
THIS HEADLINE
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*