Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
At Walmart during the holidays like..
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too