Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.