Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
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What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
S M O L
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Kids: Stay in school.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here