Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
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The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
🤣🤣🤣
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Just as the prophecy foretold
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
The Assassin.