It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
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Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
When life hands you women, make women laid.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET