I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
You Might Also Like
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Raisins are grape jerky.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
accurate
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….