BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
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i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.