When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
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If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu