Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
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[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant