“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
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last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?