Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
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New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper